66 Hilariously Honest Things Kids Say That’ll Make You Laugh Until You Cry

66 Hilariously Honest Things Kids Say That’ll Make You Laugh Until You Cry Because kids really are the world’s most honest comedians

Ever wondered what goes on in those adorable little heads? Well, wonder no more! We’ve collected the most hilarious, heartwarming, and occasionally mortifying things kids have said, straight from their mouths (and the keyboards of their still-laughing parents).

Look, we’ve all been there – that moment when your little one drops an absolute truth bomb in the middle of the grocery store, or comes up with logic so perfectly flawed you can’t help but laugh. From accidental profanity to philosophical discoveries, these tiny humans have a way of seeing the world that’s both refreshingly honest and absolutely hilarious.

So grab your coffee (you’ll need it to keep up with these), and let’s dive into the pure gold that comes from kids just saying what they think. Trust us, you’ll want to bookmark this for those days when you need a good laugh!

Pure Comedy Gold

One night my wife and I had sent our 4 kids to bed. After a while I could hear my youngest running around. I yelled up the stairs “No more shenanigans”! Quiet broke out for about 5 minutes. Then we heard him running again. Furious, I yelled for him. He appeared at the top of the stairs and I roared “What did I say”! A sad face with eyebrows pushed WAY up on his forehead replied “You said no more Bannana skins”. – Shared by John Doherty on Quora

When my younger son went to primary school he was in morning assembly and the guest that morning was the lady mayor. She was in full mayoral garb, wearing the mayoral chains, robe and a three cornered hat. The headteacher asked the children who they thought she was. One little girl put her hand up and said she was the queen. And then my son put his hand up and said she was a pirate. – Shared by Diane Reardon on Quora

My oldest son’s father came to visit and my nephew said “you have two husband’s!? uh oh disaster!!” We all fell out laughing!! – Shared by Nadi Farooq on Quora

My daughter was in 3rd grade she got the chicken pox. She started crying and asked me how she got the chicken pops … we don’t even have chickens!! – Shared by Carla Childress on Quora

When my daughter was two, I took her on her first visit to the zoo. At the giraffe enclosure, the giraffe stood staring at us from some distance away, and she wanted to see it closer. She began calling, “Here, ‘raff! Here, ‘raff! Look this way, ‘raff!” The giraffe kept staring at us disdainfully from a distance but in spite of my daughter’s entreaties, made no effort to come closer. Exasperated, she muttered, “Stupid ‘raff.” – Shared by Angela Stockton on Quora

4 year old hands me a cob of corn on a hot dog bun. Kid: what is it dad? Dad: I dunno? Kid: it’s a corn dog!!! – Shared by sleepingdeep on Reddit

My 4y/o daughter coughed on some of her kix cereal the other day, and when I asked her if she was OK she said “I stuffed to many balls in my mouth”. – Shared by Keejhle on Reddit

“Are you out of whack today?” “No, I’m full of whack!” – Shared by vinca_minor on Reddit

My oldest, struggling with a Kool-aid drink bottle. My friend: You having troubles, little buddy? My son, with attitude: NO! I’m having JUICE! – Shared by mammakatt13 on Reddit

Kid: I named all my Hungry Hungry Hippos! Me: What are they? Kid: Orange Hippo, Yellow Hippo, Blue Hippo…and Anthony – Shared by therapyscones on Reddit

Yesterday night we went to Rayalaseema Ruchulu in Hyderabad for dinner. Me my wife and kid ordered our food. A cookery show was running on TV. My kid suddenly told after watching TV, “Amma they are cheating us. They are just seeing in the TV, cooking and serving that”. – Shared by Thulasiram Thota on Quora

Logic That Only Makes Sense to Kids

When my son was in about 3rd grade he asked “Dad would you give me $5.00? I flippantly said, “What do you think money grows on tree’s? He calmly said “Dad money is made from paper and paper is made from tree’s”. Needless to say I just opened up my wallet. – Shared by Steven on Quora

When my daughter was around 3 years old, she walked into my bedroom looking a bit sad and asked me: ‘Mummy, do you love me?’ ‘Well of course I do sweetheart, I love you so much’ ‘But mummy, if you love me… then why did you EAT me?’ She burst out crying as she said this. It turned out my mum had told her she was once in my tummy! – Shared by Sophie Aziz on Quora

The other day my 5 year old daughter said “Mom water please…” I gave her water that was out of the fridge for an hour. And half way through the glass, she looked at me deep into the eyes and said… “It’s expired.” – Shared by Fara Bnite on Quora

My son doesn’t really have a big sweet tooth like I do. One day I offered to share some candy with him. Him: “Nah, I’m not really a Swedish person.” – Shared by zombie_overlord on Reddit

My 8 year old son asked “when you get your driver’s license do you get your first car free”? – Shared by Kati Pederson on Quora

My 11 year old son is in martial arts and I have joint custody of him with my ex-wife. I take him Monday and Tuesday, her the other weekdays. One Wednesday after his mother picks him up, he texts me using her phone informing me he forgot his Martial Arts clothing(a Gi). I told him that since he would be coming by my house in the same town he could pick it up on the way to the Dojo. He texts me back with the message:” I can’t Dad, because I am 11 and can’t drive.” – Shared by David Russell Robbins on Quora

Me- you are not allowed to put Lego in your mouth. Son- “what if it accidentally falls into my mouth?” – Shared by gabzqc on Reddit

My young daughter was sick with her first stomach flu when she had a good amount of vocabulary. After she vomited she said “momma, my mouth spilled!” – Shared by Karen Brown Higgins on Quora

My daughter was about three years old and I stood up too quickly and got a little dizzy. I giggled a bit to my self and my daughter said “what”? I said oh nothing, I just lost my balance. She said “where”? – Shared by Sherry Peck on Quora

Accidentally NSFW Moments

My 6 year old asked me “mom, why do you always say the C-word?” I froze, frantically trying to recall when or why I would ever use the C-word and especially in front of my child. I immediately began to apologize to him. He continues, “yeah mom, don’t say ‘crap’ because it’s not a nice word” – Shared by Callie Maertz on Quora

One of the best I ever heard was from my wife’s best friend, whose son came home from kindergarten one day with a long, sad face, not in his usual happy mode. She noticed immediately that there was something wrong and asked what it was that had him out of sorts. The 5yr old said “My teacher wasn’t at school today, so we had a real mean prostitute instead”. – Shared by Tom McQuillen on Quora

In a group of parents at a park/playground my son needed to ask his mother a question… My then 3-4yo son “Mommy, who are these mothers and fuckers?” Translation – “Mommy, who are these mothers and fathers?”. He wanted to know which kids belong to which parents – Shared by Nutella_Zamboni on Reddit

I used to tell my son that grandma was neurotic lol .. one day he said to her .. I’m gonna grow up to be erotic just like you .. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself – Shared by Cherie Dosenberry on Quora

My daughter used to pronounce a CH sound as an F. My neighbours name was Chuck… She would loudly yell “Hi Fuck!” every single morning. He thought it was hilarious. – Shared by MyWifeisaTroll on Reddit

LO (little one): daddy you have a penis right? Me: Yes that’s correct (trying not to laugh) LO: mommy doesn’t have a penis just a bum right? Me: …. Close enough Mommy screaming: I have a vagina! – Shared by kungfumoomoocow on Reddit

My youngest daughter was about 2 when she toddled into the bathroom, as I was just stepping out of the shower. She looked me up and down, pointed, and said “Pee-pee fur”. – Shared by Colleen Holbrook on Quora

My son, when he was 3, accidentally ran into the corner of a table and hit his chest. Cue him shouting, “Ow my tits,” Do not know where he heard that as we make a point not to say stuff like that. Couldn’t even be mad as we were in hysterics. – Shared by RaedwaldRex on Reddit

One morning my son came to me and said, “my butt is chapped.” I replied, “Let’s go to the bathroom so I can take a look and put medicine on it.” He replied proudly, “It’s ok Mom. I used the Chapstick in your night stand drawer.” – Shared by Debbie Moss on Quora

My 2 year old was having a bath with his mum, looked aghast at her crotch, and said “Penis… gone?” – Shared by pinnnsfittts on Reddit

My 5 year old yells from the bathroom. I need someone to come touch my butthole (wipe his bum) – Shared by Slave7081 on Reddit

Unintentionally Savage Comments

My two year old grandson was stroking my face very gently and staring into my eyes. It was very sweet until he said, “Nana, your beard is so soft.” – Shared by Debby Robinson on Quora

At a Mexican restaurant on Sunday they sing happy birthday to a lady at the next table turning 90. My 5 year old says loudly, “90? That’s so old! How is she even still alive?” – Shared by Sdmid227 on Reddit

My son at three, riding public transportation when a very tall, thin man boarded the bus (in a stage whisper the whole bus could hear, and of course, pointing straight at the tall man): “Mommy! Look! Sometimes the fat goes UP!” – Shared by Liz Mcmurray on Quora

Son (8): “Dad, how do they get the jelly into the middle of a gusher?” Me: “I don’t know.” Son: “Then what are you even good for?” – Shared by gaqua on Reddit

4yo: “I spy with my little eye something that is cute.” Me: “is it me?!” Her: “it’s something CUTE.” – Shared by belbivfreeordie on Reddit

Kids on Bodies and Bathrooms

When my son(5) pees I always have to tell him to pay attention to where he is aiming. The other day he came home in his backup school shorts. I asked what happened. “My penis wasn’t paying attention” – Shared by IAmInTheWrongClass on Reddit

I finished helping my daughter (3) go to the bathroom and she proceeded to say: “You wipe the poop first and then I wipe the pee, and that’s teamwork!” – Shared by snoman298 on Reddit

One day I heard one of my daughters (a toddler) screaming upstairs. I quickly ran up thinking she could be hurt. When I got there it turned out that someone had not flushed the toilet and she was pointing at the toilet and screaming “Poop wants to go home!” – Shared by Bryan Mau on Quora

My kid was walking around the house with a can of fabreeze spraying a little into all the rooms of the house. I asked her why she was doing it. “Because your farts are stinking up the house, daddy”. – Shared by gjm40 on Reddit

Accidental Swearing

Kid is like three or so. She stands up from eating a snack at her little table. Roughly knocks everything on the table – food, drink, toys and all to the floor in the blink of an eye. She points to the stuffed sloth she has sitting in the other chair at the table and says “FUCKING SLOTH” – Shared by Tactics28 on Reddit

When my son was 3, he innocently turned to me in a crowded convenience store and asked “dad when I’m an adult can I say fuck?” – Shared by chrisbru on Reddit

Me: Fuck 3yr old: No mommy we say fudge, not fuck – Shared by Happy-Box1259 on Reddit

A two year old trying to imitate her fowl mouthed father, saying, “Merry frogging Christmas.” – Shared by Alan Flansberg on Quora

Life Lessons from Tiny Philosophers

My son (6 years old at the time) was having a conversation with my wife, where she wanted to make sure he understood the concept of a “friend”. Wife: Do you know what it means to be someone’s friend? Son: I believe so. Wife: It’s when you like someone and they like you back. Son: Ok. Wife: Do you know what it means when someone likes you and you don’t like them back? Son: Yes, that’s a crush. – Shared by Ray Thornson on Quora

My 3year old granddaughter was jumping on the sofa and my hubby said to her “if you jump again you will have to go into the naughty corner” Her reaction was “Oupa you are ruining a good friendship here” – Shared by Herbie Smit on Quora

Me: “Darling i have to work all day to buy you a cookie.” Her: “Okay, get me two cookies” – Shared by Stuntz-X on Reddit

When my daughter was four, we were watching some children’s TV shows on a commercial channel. All the ads in the breaks were for the usual rubbish toys oversold by unbearably cute kids and featuring excruciatingly twee fully-sung jingles. Over the course of, say, 20 minutes there might have been 3 five minute programmes and four or five of ads between each one. Worried that she might want all of – or at least some of – the wares being relentlessly flogged, I asked her “do you think you would like any of the things they are showing?” She turned to me and said “No, I don’t think so. They can’t be very good things if they need to keep trying so hard to tell people to like them” – Shared by Simon Sanders on Quora

When I was young, I apparently walked up to my mom and said gravely “I know what I want to be when I grow up, mom”. Mom: “What?” Me: “Married”. – Shared by Monica Sam on Quora

My son who now is 5 said many time this between 3 and 4: “I want to go back in there” where “in there” is my womb. – Shared by Monica Gamarra on Quora

Accidentally Philosophical

In 2010, my 92 year old Mother died from congestive heart failure, after the memorial service my then nine year old grandson informed me that “now you can do whatever you like because you don’t have any parents”? – Shared by David Ellringer on Quora

At bedtime one night, I asked my 8 year old if he wanted to watch a DVD for a bit before he went to sleep. “okay,” he says. “I’ll pick something.” While he looked through his dvds I lay on his bed and pretended to be asleep. Suddenly, a DVD hits me. “what did you hit me it the face for?” I asked. “it wasn’t me,” he said. “it was knowledge. Knowledge hit you in the face.” – Shared by Ophelia Waters on Quora

We were watching the Easter play at a church and during intermission decided to use the restroom. My daughter was in preschool at the time. After washing her hands, she looked at me and said, “Mommy, they should not have been called the Pharisees. They should have been called the Jealousies.” – Shared by Anu on Quora

It was around Christmas and my son’s (Christian) preschool had the children drawing pictures for Jesus’ birthday. They were all asked what they would give to the baby Jesus for his birthday. Some said a game system, others said another favorite toy or even candy. My son looked at the pictures of Jesus in the manger and said, “let’s get him a new crib.” – Shared by Judy Silcock on Quora

Sweet Moments That’ll Melt Your Heart

My little girl was about four years old at the time. I was sitting on a big easy chair with her on my lap, cuddling her, when she looked up at me and said, “We’re in love, aren’t we Mom?” – Shared by LJ Mills on Quora

This will be a little weird, so context: Both me and my husband come from families that used physical punishment a lot, my father was a raging choleric on top of that. I was the child who’d instinctively cover if an adult moved a hand too quickly in a gesture. We have verzy consciously decided to break that cycle. A few days ago, my almost 3yo daughter insisted on falling asleep with my hand cuddled to her cheek. Before she fell asleep, she told me “I love you, mommie, and I love your hands.” I almost cried. And a similar moment. I’ve spilled flour on the floor when baking, and my daughter gave me a look and said. “Oh, mommie, you did a clumbo. Let’s go clean it up together!” and she ran for the dust-pan. Perfectly mimicking how we react when she makes a mess. It made me feel like we’re doing something right. – Shared by KnittingforHouselves on Reddit

My four-year-old niece discovered that if you tap my Fitbit, you get different screens. She tapped to the one with the heart rate. Niece: Oooo, a heart! Me: Yes, that’s my heart rate. Niece: Does it tell you how much you love someone? – Shared by library_wench on Reddit

I took my then 3 year old daughter to a playground. A few minutes later a little 2 year old boy ran towards me saying: “Daddy! Daddy!” and he gave me a hug. My daughter grabbed his hand and told him angrily: “Look for your own dad. This is mine.” – Shared by Peter Tamas on Quora

Mia “I love you 1000 moons!” Me “Moons?” Mia “ya! 1000 moons!!” Me “what’s moons?” Mia “you know, It’s huge! So 1000 moons! I love you 1000 moons!” – Shared by Meg Todd on Quora

Two weeks ago, my two-year-old nephew whispered to me, “Tickle me.” I couldn’t imagine more perfect words coming from his mouth uttered in a more pleasing to hear manner. – Shared by Trisha Weilert on Quora

My friend works with me in the office. She has a small boy around 3 years. One day when she was playing with her child, her son saw a baby lizard and said – Look mama, baby lizard is so sad. She said – Aww.. why do think baby lizard is sad? Is he hungry? Son- No!!.. His mother has gone to office and she will come in the evening. Tears rolled up her eyes and she hugged him tightly. – Shared by Aditya Arya on Quora

My story is of my great grandson. I was pontificating about how much I loved him. He turned to me-and said, “I love you to the “f” word.” I said, Oh, really.” “yes” said he, “you know Finity, Finity Finity.” How much do I love that little man? I think to infinity and back! – Shared by Elizabeth Noble on Quora

Remember, these precious moments are fleeting, but they’re what make parenting such an amazing adventure. Keep a notebook handy – you never know when your little one will drop their next philosophical bombshell or accidentally savage comment!

Have a funny kid quote to share? Tag us on Instagram @ChangeTheWorldWithKaryn or submit your hilarious moments through our website.

Special thanks to our awesome ChangeTheWorldWithKaryn intern Alec Boyce for bringing us some of the funniest kids quotes on the internet!